Falling For Myself

I have never been the type to be fully comfortable in my own skin.  There has always been a laundry list of things that I would love to change about my appearance tucked away in the back of my mind.  Whenever I’m having a rough day I can recite the things I dislike about myself as readily as if I were being asked to recite the alphabet.  My almost non-existent shoulders, my lazy eye, my nose, my not-so-white teeth, my round face, my thick and often unmanageable hair….

The list goes on and on.

I have also never been the type to like to admit that I have insecurities.  But then I guess no one is.  I hide my insecurities under a smile and makeup, hoping that if I do it just right it will somehow imitate the confidence I seem to have lost so long ago.  It’s gone on this way for a few years now, and it could probably go on for a few years longer.  But what way is that to live?  Who wants to live in fear of mirrors and transparency their entire life?  I make money telling young adults that they cannot live this way, yet I have made it a habit myself.  I have become a hypocrite, and coming to that realization was so incredibly hard to swallow.

I have been my greatest enemy, constantly letting the whispers and expectations of society fill my ears until they get to my head and the lies dance around in my mind.  I let myself lose control over my self image, and in doing so I let the idea of confidence fade away until it was nothing but a nice yet unattainable concept.

It was time to go to war with myself.

When I look in the mirror and feel the urge to look away, I stare myself down instead.  I dare myself to think a negative thought so that I can shut it down and replace it with the truth I have been denying myself: that I am enough.  When I am afraid to look someone in the eye for the fear that they might see right through me, I instead silently dare them to look away first and make sure that I flash them a smile (after all, I’ve always had a brilliant smile).

It isn’t easy to reverse the negative, false image of myself that my mind has so generously created for me.  But it’s something I have to do, and something I will continue to strive to do every day of my life.  I owe it to myself.  If I choose to wear lipstick, it is for myself.  If I decide to wear no makeup and wear clothes that are dangerously on the border of not matching, I will smile because I know I’m doing it for me.  Maybe it’s selfish, and that’s okay.  Because if I can’t be happy with who I am, if I can’t look in the mirror and like what I see, then I’m doing something wrong.

If we as individuals cannot learn to be kind to ourselves and appreciate the things that make us unique, if we are unable to fall in love with ourselves all over again every day, then how could we ever ask or expect that of anyone else?  Or even more importantly, how can we give that kind of love and acceptance to someone else if we deny ourselves it?

Treat others the way you would want to be treated, but also remember to treat yourself the way you would want others to treat you.

-SM

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Finding Your Tuesday

It started with the usual suspects: a few glances at the time only to roll back over for a few more minutes of sleep, the joy of knowing I did not have to work, and the inevitable surge of shame as I realized it was almost ten and I was still in bed.

Until today this has been my typical Tuesday morning routine, except usually I can be found sleeping in long past ten.  I’m the type of person who likes to think they can do everything until eventually the exhaustion catches up to me and I just want to go into hibernation  for the next few months.  After taking on two jobs, school, and various Bible study group it became clear to me that I needed more free time.  This realization resulted in me deciding to take Tuesday’s off (unless I get called in to one of my jobs) and spending those Tuesday’s sleeping well into the afternoon and then loafing around the apartment not doing much of anything.

This brings us to this morning, which started off the same was as the past weeks have.  Yet, as I prepared to snooze a little longer I couldn’t help but think that this was not what I should be doing.  Somewhere between my hectic schedule and weekly snoozefests I lost myself.  I was going through the motions of life without really doing anything unique.  In taking on everything I should be doing, I gave up ever doing any of the things I wanted to be doing.  Tuesdays are the one day out of the entire week that I have to myself  to do whatever I desire, and here I’ve been letting them slip by.  This morning as I lied among some dangerously comfortable pillows with the promise of a new, beautiful day hiding behind my curtains I knew that it was time for a change.  I lost myself somewhere between the craziness of everyday life, and I was determined to find myself again.

I decided that I wanted to spend today doing all of the things I always tell myself I don’t have time to do.  I put on an extremely cute outfit for no particular reason.  I gathered my belongings and headed to my local Barnes & Noble for a change of weekday scenery.  It was there with the help of Taylor Swift and a delicious, free nonfat pumpkin spice latte (thanks Brittany!) that I was able to finish a lot of homework that would have otherwise ended up getting done at the last possible minute.  I could have done more, but I was determined to make today about doing what  I wanted to, not what I needed to.

I went to Target and bought new leggings, for no occasion or reason other than the fact that I wanted leggings.  Well, that and they were only eight dollars.  I came home, changed, put on more Taylor Swift, and decided to bake pumpkin chocolate-chip cookies for no particular reason (they taste better than they look, I promise).photo(2)

You better believe that I was singing and dancing around my kitchen in the process.

I repainted my nails.  I did the dishes.  I did all of the things I wanted to do but often found myself convinced that it just wasn’t a good use of my time.  Somewhere in all of this I found myself.  I found the joy in simplicity that I used to pride myself on.  Needless to say, I’m going to make an effort to make sure this is not a one time thing.

I think that it is so easy for us to get caught up in routine.  Don’t get me wrong, I love working and value my education, but I feel like when we let our schedules dictate our happiness we have forgotten what joy really is.  Especially for us ladies, there is so much preasure on us to be perfect.  Whether we strive to be the perfect wife, the perfect mom, or maybe just the perfect person, we are all facing expectations placed on us by the world and even by ourselves.  It’s imporatnt that we allow ourselves time to simply do the things we want to do.  Because of today, I do believe that I am starting fall for a new favorite day of the week.

I realize that not everyone can take a day out of their work week to dedicate to themselves, but that’s okay.  Maybe it could be during the weekend. Perhaps it could even be half of a day per week, or a few days a month.

Regardless, I challenge you to do something this week that you have been wanting to do but have been telling yourself you are too busy to do.  It doesn’t have to be something big.  It can be something as simple as sipping a latte with your favorite music playing in the background.  Whatever it is though, I hope you are able to do it with happiness and contentment, knowing there is nothing else you want to do.

I hope that in this crazy journey called life, you are able to find your Tuesday.

Tasty Tuesday

Today is all about two of my favorite ‘S’ words: smoothies and salmon!

With two jobs, school, and Bible study two nights a week I have a lot of appreciation for easy, yet delicious recipes.  My husband and I are three months into our marriage and until this past weekend still have had yet to use the blender my mother gifted to us at my bridal shower.  I was so excited when I got it, because it was the same Ninja that my parents have at their home so I knew exactly how easy yet effective it was to use.  So after months of collecting dust on our shelf, I finally took it down and decided to try some smoothie recipes I had found on Pinterest.

I knew that making homemade healthy smoothies would mean they wouldn’t taste like Jamba Juice, but I was still very disappointed after my first smoothie making attempt.  The second day I did a little better, but it wasn’t today until I decided to try to make my own recipe on the spot and hope for better results than the past two attempts.  I was so happy with the results that I actually felt myself break out into a huge smile.

This recipe isn’t anything special, but I figured if I posted it I would never lose it, and also it might help anyone who is new to the art of the smoothie like I am.  The measurements I used were for one serving.

Breakfast Smoothie: (I couldn’t think of a more creative name on the spot)

  • 3/4 cup milk (I used 2% since it’s all I had, but any kind would do)
  • 1 Tbsp. plain Greek yogurt
  • 1/2 of a fresh banana
  • 1 handful frozen strawberries
  • 1 handful frozen pineapple
  • Chia Seed (however much you like)

Since I used frozen fruit, I didn’t feel the need to add ice cubes, but feel free to add ice or anything else to achieve the desired consistency.

Finding a smoothie I really like is a big deal to me because I am one of those people who have fallen into the horrible habit of skipping breakfast on a daily basis.  I don’t have enough time in the morning to make myself much of anything, and I typically don’t even feel hungry in the mornings.  However, as soon as I sit at my desk at work I instantly regret skipping the most important meal of the day.

In addition to a quick breakfast, I also appreciate a quick dinner recipe.  My favorite at the moment (and my husband’s favorite as well) as a quick salmon recipe.  This particular recipe only calls for two seasonings and takes no longer than 25 minutes to prepare.

Ingredients:

  • salmon fillets (2-4 depending on how many people you are feeding)
  • 1 tsp. chili powder
  • 1/2 tsp. kosher salt

Directions:

  1. Preheat the oven to 375 degrees.  While the oven is preheating, place the salmon on a foil-lined baking sheet.  Sprinkle the chili powder and salt evenly over the meat side of the salmon (if you prefer skinless salmon as I do, simply sprinkle over whichever side is facing up).
  2. Once oven is preheated, bake the salmon for 20 minutes.
  3. Once salmon is finished, place a few paper towels on a plate and transfer the salmon from the baking sheet on top of the paper towels to remove any extra oil.
  4. Serve with a side of choice.

As with the smoothie recipe, experienced cooks who are used to dealing with salmon probably wouldn’t even glance at this recipe.  However, for someone like myself who doesn’t have a lot of cooking experience or a lot of time to make gourmet meals, this recipe is perfect.  Also, it tastes absolutely amazing.  When I’m in a hurry I usually make frozen veggies to go with it, but it goes well with almost any side!

This is my first “Tasty Tuesday” post, but as I continue to come across or come up with quick and yummy recipes, I will definitely be sharing them.  Enjoy!

-SM